Challenging conversations about money: Talking with your spouse or partner

Catherine Irby Arnold, Washington State Market Leader, U.S. Bank Private Wealth Management, offers a guide to getting this often-daunting discussion started

Discussing money with your spouse or partner can be awkward. In fact, according to a recent U.S. Bank survey, Americans would rather talk about almost anything else – including their choice of candidate in the 2024 presidential election – than their finances.

“I understand how hard it can be for couples to speak about money – spending, saving, investing and more,” said Scott Ford, President of Wealth Management at U.S. Bank. “My hope is that more couples will recognize the many benefits to having open, honest and transparent conversations.”

Here’s a guide from Catherine Irby Arnold, Washington State Market Leader, U.S. Bank Private Wealth Management, who has helped many couples navigate this terrain during her more than 30 years in financial services.

Start early

“Way before saying, ‘I do,’ couples should discuss their money philosophies,” says Irby Arnold. That can be hard for some couples. About a third (36%) of unmarried Americans say they’d be embarrassed to be fully transparent about their finances with the person they’re dating, especially younger Americans.

If you’re in a serious relationship, it’s helpful to have frank, candid money conversations. “Sit down and calmly talk about your incomes, assets, debts, expenses and future financial goals,” says Irby Arnold. Having these discussions will build a strong foundation for your relationship going forward.

Trust through transparency

Couples often don’t see eye to eye about finances and might not be truthful about money, propelled by fear and shame. More than a third of Americans don’t agree with their partner about how best to manage their money, both now (39%) and in retirement (34%).

It’s common for spouses to have different goals and habits when it comes to money. The challenge comes when they don’t communicate and identify those expectations.

Reaching an understanding about saving, spending, borrowing and investing will put couples on the path to achieving their financial dreams and goals. Spend time as a couple identifying what’s most important when it comes to money. “The purpose of these conversations is not to get both parties to be financially identical, but rather to understand your mutual and individual goals,” says Irby Arnold.

To merge or not to merge?

“Some people say that the secret to a long and happy marriage is separate bathrooms and separate bank accounts,” says Irby Arnold. There are pros and cons to merging your assets and liabilities, and whether or not to do so should be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

Keeping finances separate can give you a sense of financial independence and provide a safety net if the relationship fails. However, uneven income and liabilities can cause strain, and it can be complicated to split expenses. On the other hand, merging finances allows for greater transparency and can work for couples with uneven incomes. However, it can become troublesome if individuals have differing money philosophies. Financial decisions can become even more complicated for couples in a second marriage.

Having a sincere and frank conversation with your partner can help you choose the approach that’s right for you.  

Focus on the future

“We all have baggage around money issues,” says Irby Arnold. “Our financial viewpoints are shaped by our childhood and our life experiences. It’s a very emotional topic.” As a starting point, you can share your past experiences with money with your partner. Once that’s understood, couples should set near-term, short-term and long-term goals.

For example, do you want to save for a home? A vacation? A child’s education? Discuss how each of you envision your retirement years. These goals will inform your long-term investment strategy as well as other financial decisions in the near-term. 

Looking further down the road, some couples struggle with decisions about their legacy. Almost a third (29%) of Americans have different opinions about what to do with their money after they are both gone. Speaking with an estate attorney can help you create a plan that takes care of those you love after you pass away.

Dealing with deceit

A third of Americans say they have lied to their partner about money (30%) with women slightly more likely to have lied than men (31% to 27%). If lies or deceit are discovered, consider the severity. Couples with strong relationships can find ways to work through challenges.

To avoid these situations, set some ground rules. For example, discuss a maximum dollar amount for expenses without having to clear it with the other person. Take one recent example when one person spent over the threshold and start your discussion there.

If surprises crop up – like an account or debt you didn’t know about – it can be constructive to bring in an outside expert (like a financial professional) to help navigate these conversations.

Next steps

While the U.S. Bank survey revealed that many families are talking about financial concepts around the dinner table, most do not feel comfortable talking about their own financial situations – possibly because they are worried about being judged or feel embarrassed.

Financial professionals can help ease the conversation by getting couples to talk more openly about money, Irby Arnold said.

More than half (53%) of affluent Americans say their financial professional helped their family work through uncomfortable conversations about money. Reach out to your financial professional to get the conversation started.

Join our upcoming webinar (February 19, 2025) to learn more about this topic. Register here:
Challenging Conversations about Money: Talking to your spouse/partner | LinkedIn

Read the full report here: Challenging Conversations About Money